Finding a Goddess – You’re Doing It Wrong

24 June, 2009

Sometimes, especially at fuck-o’clock in the morning, I can be a little… evil.

My-beloved-the artist forwarded me a link that she’d acquired from the Ravelry forum (which, despite being a site about knitting, has a little of everything). It’s a single webpage which basically consists of an extended lonely-hearts/Craigslist contact-style ad.

The title is:

Finding My Goddess

Smart, Sexy, Spiritual Goddess Desired for Awesome Relationship with Extraordinary Man.

One Gentleman’s Quest to Find His Goddess.

Are YOU a Woman Who Has Most of the Extensive Goddess-Qualifications?

Finding My GoddessSmart, Sexy, Spiritual Goddess Desired for Awesome Relationship with Extraordinary Man.

One Gentleman’s Quest to Find His Goddess.

Are YOU a Woman Who Has Most of the Extensive Goddess-Qualifications?

…and goes rapidly downhill from there:

Some of the material in my message is controversial. I do not wish to offend anyone, but I do need to say certain things so that an interested lady knows what she’s getting into. I think that’s reasonable and fair.

I’m a deeply spiritual man. As I explain in detail below, my guidance comes directly from God (or, as my Buddhist friends would say, from my Buddha Nature). I am well aware that you might think otherwise. As you read my message, you might conclude that I have an over-inflated ego and that, rather than following “divine guidance,” I should instead work on “getting over myself”—and, indeed, given the expansiveness of my message, that would be a very “normal” reaction for you to have.

The Goddess I seek sees far beyond the “normal” level of thinking. She follows the guidance she receives from God (even when people might think she’s crazy), and she believes that others (including me) should do the same. Her life is dedicated to making this world a better place, and she realizes that the “normal” way of thinking is precisely what has gotten this world into so much trouble! My message EXCITES her. She believes what I’m saying is coming from God. She believes what I’m saying is not only possible but doable. She passionately desires to be directly and intimately involved.

One more excerpt, so you know what kind of guy we’re dealing with here:

I am on the brink of a large-scale financial success that many people believe will escalate me, over the next decade, from member of the middle class—to billionaire. I am the inventor and developer of, and control the majority interest in, a patented new technology that numerous well-credentialed experts agree can, quite literally, re-define the entire computer industry. We need about one more year to complete implementation of our first product release (hopefully in early 2010), and then the computing paradigm will begin to shift…. people will start thinking about information and utilizing computers in a whole new way that greatly EMPOWERS them. This will shake the foundation of a nearly trillion-dollar industry (computer hardware, software and information technologies, including the Internet).

However, I am much more than a computer scientist. I am a Global Visionary, and my desire and intention is to utilize my anticipated computer fortune to create fundamental changes in the systems, institutions and traditions on this planet: from darkness to LIGHT. In contrast with my computer technology which is likely to succeed (at least to some significant degree), my broad global vision is a gigantic LONG SHOT. With God (and if my karma proves good enough), I will find some degree success with my huge vision. If not, I will at least have enjoyed the adventure of daring to go for it.

Why am I sharing this Global Vision with you? Because it tells you a whole lot about who I am. I am a man who DARES to dream the impossible dream, and who DARES to devote his life to realizing it. I am seeking a woman who LOVES my vision and WANTS to be my intimate partner in the adventure of going for it, whether we succeed or fail.

(That amazing computer breakthrough is described by himself here. Basically, a new OS made for Newage angel-heads who have a pastels fetish. World-shaking, no. Terrifying, yes.)

I couldn’t just let that lie, could I? So I did a little translation of his cri de coeur:

Hi. I’m a failing computer geek with delusions of being The Next Steve Jobs. I also think God likes me more than anyone else – except possibly You, the only True Consort of such a swell, spiritual and almost-nearly-any-time-soon financially wealthy man.

Oh yeah – I have such a weird face because I was hit on the head by a large Newage Tantra manual at an impressionable age.

(See angel picture from cover of book which hit me hardest and warped my ideas of sex and god forever.)

The Goddess I seek must be smart (but not quite as smart as me), trusting (by which I mean “gullible enough to believe the ‘100% control’ over an undisclosed portion of my imaginary fortune will amount to bupkiss”) hate all concepts of ‘authority’ (except of course the ones where I tell her what to do) and she’s sexy, sexy, sexy!

And of course she must pray and meditate in a style of my choosing, ‘cos she’s just a girl.

Due to her (approved) spiritual praxes, she will have many superpowers, most importantly;

-She never ever gets grumpy – especially around *that* time of the month,

-She never feels greed – especially over my increasingly blue-sky wealth.

-She unconditionally loves a large number of people – who are all cute girls with bisexual leanings. No Fags!

-She has the quality of childlike innocence – or can at least fake it when she puts on the frilly dress and calls me Daddy.

No fatties, dykey haircuts or commoners need apply.

More about me. Me, me, meeee.

I’m really clever and smart, and clever. My balls don’t work, but I disguise that by claiming I’m a Tantra Master who withholds his Precious Bodily Fluids deliberately (& hiding my viagra stash).

I am a Chivalrous Man – meaning I do the opening-doors-paying-restaurants thing, while you do the supplicant-muse-and-fucktoy thing, with occasional witty banter about how high-minded we of the Light are for not liking that new-fangled rock music and television the kids like so much.

Did I mention I’m really, really Funny? Really I am. Funny. Really funny!

Surrender versus control… If you surrender, I won’t have to control you now, will I?

Yours in desperate lonely wanking hope,

The geeky Newager with strange creepy eyes.

I do hope he finds the woman he deserves… who would be an awful long way from the one he demands.

(PS – for more of this kind of gratuitous and malicious attacking of the desires of poor little internet-trolling men, check out the blogs Why Women Hate Men and Will Not Get You Laid.)

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